Where'd You Go?
by castlelover06
Summary: Set after Countdown, Castle is sick of playing games and wants to quit shadowing Beckett. My first fanfic so R&R!Do not own Castle!  even though I wish I did!
1. Chapter 1

She watched as Castle walked away from her, she wished she knew what he was going to say. All she could think to say was "Goodbye." Why did he leave her after everything they had been through today?

She could feel someone pressing their lips against her temple as she turned around and seen Josh. 'Oh I forgot about him' she thought to herself. She wrapped him in a hug, but couldn't help look back and watch Castle as the look of disappointment washed across his face.

She looked up at Josh and shook her head slowly. "What's wrong?" he asked.

She stared at him and a faint whisper came from her open mouth "…Everything."

"What do you mean everything?"

"I have to go I am so sorry." She raced her way to the elevator in an attempt to stop Castle. She wanted to be with him right now instead of Josh. She felt more comfort with Castle at this point. She knew she wouldn't be able to be alone.

The elevator was taking too long and she began to hear Josh walking towards her. She couldn't stand to face him now so she ran to the stairs and bolted down the stairs hearing a muffled "Katie wait!" calling after her.

She hated when he called her that. The name just reminded her of her mother. Castle knew to never call her Katie, he knew so much more about her. He knew all the little things that made her who she is. He called it 'Peeling another layer of the Beckett onion' when he found out something knew and now she just wanted to be with him tonight. She wanted to sit there and feel the comfort that he brought her.

She hoped he would lighten the mood with his jokes and smart remarks. He always made her smile even on the worst of days or the worst of cases. He knew her, he truly knew her.

She raced down the stairs hoping to catch up to Castle before he left. She slammed open the door to the stairs and looked around frantically as if she had lost something.

She spotted a sad looking man waiting to get in a cab and she ran to him with all the adrenaline built up in side of her.

"Castle! Castle! Wait up!" she screamed to him. He looked around slowly and she came to an abrupt stop as she seen his face.

Was he crying? No… he couldn't be crying that's ridiculous she must be seeing things. He looked so hurt and so broken and she couldn't help, but think why?

"Castle? What's wrong?" she said in a sympathetic tone.

He looked at her with a stern look in her eye and said "What do you think?"

She was taken aback by his tone of voice; she had never heard him so angry and hurt. What had she done wrong? What did she do?

She stepped closer to him and asked "Did I do something wrong? Castle you know you can tell me anything, we are partners!" she said as a smile reached her face.

He looked down and slowly shook his head and he looked up to her and they stared at each other for a long moment.

"No, no we aren't, not anymore I can't do this. Goodbye Kate."

She watched him speak those words and her jaw dropped. Why was he doing this? She heard him call for a taxi and she put her hand on his arm as to call him back to look at her.

"Why are you doing this? What the hell happened Castle? Talk to me, please just tell me what's going on and we can make it all better I promise and then everything can go back to normal please Castle don't leave. Come on we are part-"

"KATE!" he screamed "Stop talking! I'm leaving and you can't change my mind"

She was dumb-founded, what had gotten into him? Why was he so mad? She had never seen him like this before and she had no words. She was speechless; she didn't know what to say to him.

She stood there and watched a taxi pull up to the side of the curb. Was he really leaving? She watched him get into the cab, her eyes filling up with tears as he stared back at her.

She whispered "Please don't go," he turned to face forward and told the cab driver to drive off.

She watched as the cab slowly pulled away from the curb. Tears sliding down her face, she finally realized the tears and wiped her face embarrassed as people passing by were staring.

Why was she so upset? She knew he would come back, he had to come back, he would come back right? She leaned up against the wall and slid down slowly with her face in her hands. She needed to forget about this, Castle was his own person he could do what he wanted. It's not like he worked here, right? She knew he would have to leave at some point; she just didn't plan on it being anytime soon.

She felt arms around her and she looked up hoping to see Castle's face staring back at her. To her disappointment it was Josh. She looked down with an embarrassed look on her face; Josh had never seen her like this so she wiped away her tears and told him to take her home.


	2. Chapter 2

When Kate got to her house she felt cold and alone. She had puffy red eyes from crying about Castle. She didn't know why she was all upset. She had Josh she had an amazing boyfriend who was always saving people. She needed to stop thinking about Castle and focus on Josh. JOSH, she told herself over and over again. Not Castle!

She grabbed a ton of blankets and headed to her room, she put on the warmest clothes she had consisting of 3 shirts, 1 hoodie, yoga pants, sweatpants and a bunch of socks. She wrapped herself up in the millions of blankets she had collected and closed her eyes.

She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep, she just couldn't understand what happened to Castle. She knew she had something to do with it though, she couldn't help but think all the pain he had was all her fault.

She heard a slight tap on the door as she looked up and seen Josh in the door way.

"Hey Katie," there was that name again.

"Hi."

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened at the precinct?"

"I just really don't want to talk about it, okay?" she looked at him with hurt in her eyes, she knew that if he seen the pain the topic would bring he wouldn't bring it up.

"Okay," he said worried.

"Can you just come keep me warm please?" she started to shiver a little as she thought of the freezer. She had almost died a few times today and all she wanted was to just rest and be warm.

"Sure thing Katie," Ugh he needed to stop calling her Katie, every time she heard it she wanted to break down and cry.

He got into bed and snuggled up to her making sure he held on to her tight enough to keep her warm.

She closed her eyes and hadn't noticed she had fell into a sound sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXX

She woke up in tears screaming, "CASTLE! CASTLE! STAY WITH ME! DON'T GO PLEASE I NEED YOU! STAY WITH ME!" she opened her eyes as she heard Josh calling her name.

"Katie? Katie! Wake up Kate!" he had a worried look in his eyes and stared at her for a while rubbing her back to make sure she was okay.

"Where am I?" she said, as she looked around frantically.

"Shh shh shh," he spoke to her as if she was a little baby, she hated that.

"Where is Castle!" she said panicking, "I need Castle!"

The tears began to pour down her face, she had a nightmare. Castle was dead, he died holding her. He died trying to warm her up in the freezer. She warned him that he was going to get even colder but he wouldn't listen. He never listened.

"Hey I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere" Josh whispered to her while he still stroked her back.

"Okay, thanks" she replied wishing that it was Castle that was telling her that.

"Now go back to sleep" he told her as he held her tight and shut his eyes.

She had no choice so she just closed her eyes and wished for the best.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Josh woke up a few minutes later when he felt Kate turn to her side. He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her softly on the head.

"Hmm Castle" she said in a mumble still asleep.

Josh moved back and stared at her for a second. He knew she wasn't in this relationship, he felt like she always was half in and half out. He knew though that Castle had all of her and he was jealous.

Why did she feel the need to tell Castle all this stuff, but couldn't tell her own boyfriend?

He looked at the clock and it read 4:30AM. He knew things would never work out with Kate and he wasn't going to stick around to watch it all unfold.

It was time to go, he thought.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kate awoke to the sound of footsteps walking around her apartment.

What the hell? She thought as she looked at the clock. What was he doing?

She staggered to her feet and got the warmest blanket she could find as she wrapped it around her shoulders and walked carefully out of the bedroom.

She saw Josh looking all around the house grabbing everything that belonged to him.

"What are you doing?" she said with a curious tone to her voice.

"I'm leaving, I can't do this anymore" she cringed at the sound of those words as she heard them just hours before as she watched Castle leave.

"What are you talking about? Come back to bed," she didn't know what to make of this, was he really going to leave her too?

"He loves you too, you know" were the only words that came out of his mouth as he kept on gathering his things.

"Wait! What! Josh. Who are you talking about, who loves me too?" she was shocked, she had a pretty good idea of who he was talking about but she couldn't wrap her mind around what he just said.

"Castle." She knew he would say that, but she didn't believe him. Not after what Castle said to her yesterday. She was still wondering what that all was about.

"Josh, come on you can't be serious…wait did you just say he loves me TOO?" she said astonished at the accusation. "Are you seriously accusing me of loving someone else?"

"You said his name when I kissed you on the forehead Katie, you said his name, did you think I wouldn't care? My girlfriend who I stayed here for just said another guy's name while I kissed her! You don't think I might have a reason to be a little upset?"

Her face got red, she was so embarrassed. Why did she say Castle's name? She was supposed to be focusing on Josh. She was supposed to be in love with Josh.


	3. Chapter 3

She walked towards Josh and placed a hand on his cheek.

"Josh, you know I had a nightmare about Castle, I thought he was with me and not dead so yeah I did say his name and I am really sorry, but I was happy that I felt he was still alive. I will never do it again I promise." That was the biggest lie she had ever told, but if she wanted to focus on Josh, she had to do it.

"He is in love with you Katie." Was he really saying this to her right now?

She looked into his eyes and couldn't help but wonder if he was just making this up, she looked a little deeper and could see he was telling the truth.

"How can you be so sure?" she couldn't wait to hear the answer he was about to give because she was curious too.

"Wow, alright, you really don't know? Are you kidding? " he looked shocked and dumbfounded that she was looking so curiously at him.

He made her feel stupid as she looked up at him oblivious, could she really be this blind?

"No I don't know as a matter of fact, now can you please explain?" she just wanted to hear the answer and was sick of playing this game she just wanted him to spit it out.

"You don't see the way he looks at you? You don't see the way he just stares at you admiring you Katie? Do you not see that the man would do anything for you? Hell, when he woke up from the freezer he jumped up like he had been shocked and was wondering where you were, he wouldn't sit still till we told him you were alright. You don't see that Katie? You really don't?"

Wow. She didn't see, she just thought it was normal for him. They had been working together for so long she really never thought of it like that. Was she that blind that everyone knew, but her? She felt terrible she hated the look on Josh's face right now, but even more she couldn't get the image of Castle out of her head. She had never seen that side of him before. He looked like someone had died and she got a chill every time she replayed that conversation.

"I guess I didn't" was all she managed to say. She couldn't think of anything else.

"Do you love him back?" he asked afraid of the answer he might hear.

Of course she did, but Josh was the safer choice. He was a heart surgeon, he drove a motorcycle and in his spare time he likes to save the world. He was perfect, but for her?

Castle was too risky. He had a terrible track record with women and she couldn't help, but think that he would get bored with her. She knew he had slept around a couple of times while they worked together and she just couldn't take him as serious after that. But he was kind, he was an amazing father and son and he was always there for her no matter what she did. He stood by her through everything and always managed to lighten up the situation whenever it was too serious or intense.

No! she thought, I am with Josh and it will stay that way.

"No, I don't I love you! Now can we please go back to bed" she wasn't completely sure but that may have been the biggest lie she ever told, but she had to change her mind she couldn't give into Castle.

"Okay, but I—"

She heard a loud beeping coming from his waist and knew he had just been called into work. She kind of felt glad to finally be alone to think. She just wanted to get her mind off all of the stress and just be thankful to still be alive.

"I'm sorry Katie, I have to go do emergency surgery" he looked sad, like a lost puppy.

"It's okay, we can talk later" she said, trying to hid the look of happiness in her eyes.

"I love you Katie" he said looking down hoping to hear the same reply.

"I love you too Josh"

The lies just kept on coming, but she knew she had to stick with Josh. He was a good man and she didn't want to break him.

He gave her a kiss goodbye and left in a hurry. She let out a sigh as the door shut.

She crawled back into bed and tried to get some more sleep, but her mind kept thinking about Castle and Josh. She didn't know what to do.


	4. Chapter 4

She managed to close hers and sleep for a couple minutes at least, she still kept seeing the image of dead Castle on the ground in front of her and she opened them right away as the tears kept building.

What has she done?

She picked up her phone and stared at it for a few long seconds and suddenly pressed speed dial #2 before she could regret her decision.

She waited and waited for him to answer the phone, but he didn't. She looked down at the phone and felt hurt. Maybe he was just sleeping, she thought, but decided to call him again anyways. This time she felt more hopeful, but she didn't exactly know why.

"Hello…" she heard from the other end of the phone, she felt excited as a smile lit up her face.

"Hi Castle, how are you?" she managed to say not really having a plan for where she wanted this phone call to go.

"I'm fine Kate, what do you want, it's early" he sounded angry, he never was angry with her.

"Well you told me that if I needed anything I could call you whenever, right?"

"Yeah, I guess I said that, so what do you need?"

Oh no! She didn't know what to say! She could tell him about her nightmares, but she didn't want him to know that he was always dying, she could tell him she couldn't sleep, or that she was scared to be alone. She didn't know what to do, so she said the truth.

"Well, I just wanted to know what happened to you today." She held her breath quickly hoping his answer might not be too harsh.

"Listen Kate, I'm really tired and I haven't slept much and—"

"Me either" she managed to spit out, maybe making him feel sorry about it and want to talk longer.

"Yeah, well Josh can keep you company while you are awake, so if you will excuse me-"

"Josh left for surgery, so I'm all alone."

"Oh…"

"Would you want to come over and keep me company?" now she was really scared for the answer and can't believe she had just invited him over!

"I don't know Kate, I mean you have Josh and I just think it would be weird if I came over, I'm sorry"

"Are you sure? I mean I could always come over your house or something if you wanted, maybe we didn't have to be alone tonight…"

What was she doing? It's like her mouth had a mind of its own and she just kept rambling on and on and didn't even control what she was saying anymore.

"Maybe another time…. I'm sorry" she could hear the regret in his voice as he spoke those words; she knew he wanted to be with her right now but something was holding him back. So she said the one thing that would make him change his mind.

"Please Rick, I've been having nightmares all night and I don't have anybody here when I wake up screaming, so please can you just come over. We don't need to talk or anything I just want someone here with me… please Castle…"

She felt like she was begging him and she couldn't help but think why? She thought she was stupid for thinking he would change his mind. Who was she kidding, Castle said he was done and now she is trying to guilt him into coming to stay with her? She may have been trying to guilt him, but she was telling the truth.

"Fine," he managed to say through gritted teeth. He knew this was a bad idea, but he couldn't sleep because of nightmares too.

"I'll see you in 20?" she said trying to hide the excitement from her voice.

"See you then, Detective" She was going to say something else, but then heard a click on the other end and sat there as nervous as a teenage girl ready for her first date.

She still had no idea what she was doing and where it was leading to. Josh, she thought, I need to think about Josh, Josh, Josh.


	5. Chapter 5

Kate was sitting there with a blanket wrapped around her on the couch as she looked nervously at the clock. What was she doing? She couldn't even begin to think of what she was going to say to him, or if he was going to say anything back. Hell, he barely wanted to come over in the first place.

It was after twenty minutes and he still wasn't there, maybe he was caught up in traffic… or maybe he just wasn't coming…

If he stood her up she would be crushed, she felt like she needed him right now and the thought scared her because she rarely needed anybody. She felt lost right now like she didn't know what to do next.

She sat there for 45 minutes waiting for him to show up when she finally gathered up her blankets to go to bed. As she made her way to her room she heard a small knock coming from outside.

Yes! He had come! He was actually there for her and she couldn't begin to describe the urge to run to the door and swing it open and give him a huge bear hug. She raced to the door and opened it right away without even looking at who was outside. She swung the door open and looked at the person standing on the other side.

She couldn't believe it, was this really happening again! Castle looked at her with piercing eyes; she took a step back afraid and vulnerable. She didn't know what to think, what had happened to this man?

"Hey Castle" she managed to squeeze out. "What took you so long?"

He stared at her for a few very long seconds; he then put his head down towards his feet as if he was ashamed or hiding.

"What is going on with you, Castle? You know you can talk to me. Come on, come in and we can talk." She cursed the sound of her words as she spoke them, it sounded like she was begging again and she hated that.

He looked up from his feet and looked into her eyes, she could see all the pain and frustration that was in them, but couldn't think of any words to say.

"Fine," was all he said as he snuck pass her and stood in the middle of the living room.

Okay… she thought, this was definitely going to be a long, interesting night. GREAT…

"Would you like something to drink?" she asked hoping he would say yes to a glass of wine or a bottle of beer so maybe she wouldn't feel so bad because she definitely needed one right now.

"No thanks" he said looking away from her.

"Come sit down"

"I'm fine."

"Rick, what is going on with you today? First, you storm out of the precinct. Then, you tell me we are through being partners, and you came over acting like you don't even want to be here in the first place. What the hell happened?" She didn't know where he would start or what he would say; all she hoped was that she got some sort of explanation.

"We were never partners', I was just shadowing you for research remember?" She looked at him with a shocked expression on her face as tears began to fill her eyes. She knew he was lying. What he just said hurt her more than she expected them to, but they were the truth.

"Why are you saying that? You and I both know that is only somewhat true."

"Is it?" He said with some anger in his voice. "Because I'm under the assumption that it is completely true. And it is. But, if you think it's not then what are we Kate, please tell me, what are we?"

"I don't know," she was hurt, and he could tell too. The look in her eyes as he talked to her only got more scared and nervous. She wasn't saying anything just sitting there with a blank stare as he spoke those words to her. She didn't know what they were that was the truth. She thought they were partners, she thought they were best friends, she thought they were… NO! She was not going to go there, not right now. She couldn't, she just couldn't.

His eyes filled up with anger as he began to speak to her.

"Of course you don't know you never do Kate. You don't even know what you want, but I'll tell you what I want I want you to stop being so afraid, stop being so scared about what you are feeling and I want you to actually feel something. I mean actually feel something for somebody else. You can't go your whole life bottled up inside afraid of other people loving you" She couldn't believe he was going there right now; she was getting angry at him accusing her of so much. She stood up and walked over to him with a frustrated tint in her eye.

"Why did you come here, Rick? So you can just call me out on everything? So you can get all angry with me? If I knew you were going to do that I would have never asked you to come!"

His eyes filled with anger and a furious look came across his face. "I didn't need to come here at all! I came here for you! Apparently you 'need' me all of a sudden. What Josh isn't here right now so you decide to call me? Am I some sort of back-up plan? Huh? So if Josh wasn't here to screw, do I finally get to get into those pants of yours? I prefer you leave the heels on!"

Before she knew it her arm came out and smacked him across the face, tears were streaming down her face as he spoke to her like that. Where was all of this coming from! She didn't know what to think or where to go. She needed to be alone right now.

"Get out!"

"Fine, but we are done!" He said as he turned and walked out the door.

"Get the hell out!" her screams pierced through the air as she slammed the door and fell the ground crying almost as hard as she had when her mother was murdered. She lied on the ground sobbing and screaming all at once. Why was he doing this to her? She didn't need all of this right now, what was his problem?

"I hate you!" she yelled out, out of anger. He made her miserable; did he really think he was just a back-up plan? She stared at the ceiling, still lying on the floor. She had tears streaming down the side of her face as she sat there for hours sobbing.

She couldn't believe what just happened, Castle had never gotten that way before. She had never seen him so angry. He caused her so much pain and hurt her so much she didn't know how she was going to move on. She thought she was never going to see him or hear from her again. What was she to do without him?

She was going to miss all the jokes and laughs they had shared together just to get her to smile. She was going to miss all the crazy ideas he had come up with, like the CIA and the aliens. She was going to miss the way they used to finish each other's sentences and how they used to share one look and know exactly what the other person was thinking. She was going to miss the comfort she felt when she was with him and even though they were in danger and needed to be serious, he always managed to come through. They had saved each other's lives more times than someone can count.

Most of all, she was going to miss…. him.


	6. Chapter 6

She got up from the floor as her alarm went off about an hour later. How was she supposed to go to work when everything there reminded her of Castle?

She slowly got off the floor and walked back to her room. She looked in the mirror and couldn't help, but say "Wow, I look a mess!"

Her hair was wet at the edge of her face from her tears sliding down, her eyes and eyelids were blood shot from crying so hard and they were very red and puffy. When she had spoken she realized how dry and raspy her voice was. That must be from all the screaming.

After she took a nice hot shower, she had decided to take this day step by step.

She put on her clothes and make-up, enough so that it didn't look like she had been crying, but it was too hard to cover up. So she left it with the make-up she had on. She hoped no one would look that close to notice.

She went out to the living room and shuddered at the thought of what had happened here last night, she still couldn't believe it. That was a whole side of Castle she had never seen, and she couldn't say she was a fan.

She left the apartment; all the thoughts that occupied that place were of Castle from earlier that morning. Not to say that they were any better outside of the apartment.

She kept driving, her head racing around the thought of Castle.

As she arrived to the precinct and rode up in the elevator she couldn't help, but wish that the elevator would open and she would see him standing there with her cup of coffee in his hand and that handsome, devilish smile on his face.

The elevator rang and she crossed her fingers as tight as she could behind her back, the doors opened and the man standing holding a coffee to her was the last man she had expected.

"Josh? What are you doing here?" she asked trying to hide the look of disappointment on her face, but it wasn't working so well.

"Hey Katie!" he said as he kissed her forehead and handed her the cup of coffee. "Why don't you look too happy to see me?"

"Oh! Well I just didn't get a lot of sleep and I had a really rough night" At least she was telling the truth.

"I'm really sorry Katie. If there is anything I can do to help I will."

"No, I'm fine, but thank you though, that was sweet." She was zoning out on him and he could tell, she just couldn't get the thought of Castle off her brain. "I think I might go down see Lanie for a few minutes when you leave." She was hoping that would be soon.

"Okay, well I guess I will just head out then, but don't forget to call me and let me know how you are doing."

"Okay I will" No, she wasn't going to call him later, she didn't want to talk to anybody right now except for Castle. He bent down to kiss her on her forehead as she heard the elevator bell ring and looked over expecting to see Ryan or Esposito.

It was Castle! Castle had come back for her! She knew he would never leave her, she just knew it.

Oh, no! Why did Josh have to be here kissing her head when Castle had come, this wasn't fair.

Castle looked up and stared at her, she could see his face getting read and before she knew it he reached over and pressed the "Close Door" button on the elevator and disappeared.

No… She was this close to getting Castle back, and she ruined it again. She pushed Josh away and didn't know what to do; she wanted to go find Castle. She wanted to find Castle and ask him why he came back, she needed to.

She ran for the stairs again, she felt like she was repeating the same things over and over again, but she hoped this time would end differently, it had to.

She burst through the door and seen Castle as soon as he stepped off the elevator. She ran to him and screamed his name. "Castle! Wait!"

She couldn't believe it, he kept on walking away!

"Stop!" she screamed. She knew Castle heard her, she didn't think she could get any louder. She decided to run after him and when she reached him she pulled at his arm for him to turn around.

"Let go of me!" he yelled as he pulled back his arm.

"Can you please just stop and talk to me!" she looked at him and he stared into her eyes. She knew he could see her blood shot eyelids, but he didn't seem to care because he just look away and started to walk down to the parking garage. She looked shocked and hurt, but she continued to follow him not wanting to give up her chance, because it might be the only one she had left.

They finally had reached his car and she was two feet behind him. He started to open the door to his car when she yelled in a stern voice.

"Castle! Cut the crap and tell me what the hell is going on!" he looked up at her, he didn't think she would use her interrogation voice on him so he was a bit off balance in knowing what he was going to say.

"Just go back to your boyfriend." Was all he managed to get out, but that wasn't enough, not for her.

"Castle why do you keep bringing him up? This is between me and you! There is no Josh involved!"

"Don't you see, there is always a Josh involved! Always!" he seemed hurt by this and she was starting to understand a small fraction of what he was trying to say.

"Well now it is just me and you, Castle, you know you can tell me anything, you know it." She didn't want to beg him for answers; she thought she sounded too pathetic that way.

"I can't, I just can't handle getting my heart broken twice, I'm sorry." She knew the old Castle was coming back when she heard the soft tone in his voice, but what he said just didn't make any sense to her.

"Castle, what are you talking about getting your heart broken twice?" she didn't want to sound stupid, but she had to ask.

"Just please leave me alone…" he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper. "Give this to the Captain please."

"What is this?" She hoped he wouldn't say what she thought it was.

"My letter of resignation, I won't be shadowing you anymore, Detective." No, no, no he was not doing this. He couldn't do this to her. She had to forbid it somehow. She had to make him stay, she needed him to stay.

"No, I can't hand this in, I'm sorry, I can't let you do this. Why are you doing this?" Tears started to fill up her eyes as she was talking, she was trying to hold them back the best she could. She couldn't let him see her cry.

"I have to."

"No you don't! Tell me the real reason! I want to know now!" She was screaming now, her voice echoing through the parking garage adding to the full power of her voice. He reached to her and grabbed the letter from her hand and stuck it back in his coat pocket.

"Goodbye Detective" was all he said as he stepped into his car and pulled out of the parking garage leaving her there in tears.


	7. Chapter 7

Minutes after Castle left, Kate jumped in her car and went to see Lanie, not realizing that Josh was still in the precinct.

Kate busted through the M.E.'s doors quickly and fell to the ground in tears.

Kate! You scared me, girl!" She wasn't paying attention to Kate when she heard her fall to the ground. "Kate? Kate, what is wrong, Honey?" Lanie was very concerned for her friend; she had never seen her like this before.

"He left!" was all she managed to say between sobs.

"Who left you sweetie? Josh? I'll kill that man!" Kate shook her head rapidly, she knew her best friend cared about her, but she just wanted her to hold her while she cried.

"No…Castle…he left…me…" her breathing was fast as she tried to get out all she could say before crying even harder. She wrapped her arms even tighter around Lanie and squeezed her tight wanting to feel comfort and protection.

"Oh, Kate" Lanie said as she hugged Kate harder. "I am so sorry, why did he leave you?"

"I don't…know" her tears and breathing were calming down now as she looked up at Lanie and she sniffed her nose as her hand wiped across her face.

"Oh girl, you look awful let me go and get you a tissue." Lanie left her for a second and came back with a box of tissues.

Both girls sat on the floor, Lanie stared at Kate playing with her tissue before she said anything.

"Kate, what the hell happened? One moment you were saving the city and the next he is leaving? It doesn't make any sense!"

"I know right! I don't what happened, he was about to tell me something and then Josh walked up and Castle just left, then when I chased after him to ask him what was wrong he said he was done with me. He came to my apartment because I needed someone to talk to after Josh got called into surgery and then he started to scream at me and told me I needed to learn how to feel and that he was just my back up and couldn't wait till Josh couldn't have sex because then it would be his turn to get into my pants. Why would he say such a thing? I smacked him Lanie, I smacked Castle!" Kate began to sob all over again and Lanie just handed her more tissues.

"Oh…" was all Lanie managed to say after hearing Kate's story.

"What do you mean, 'Oh'?" Kate was serious, she thought Lanie might have some insight into this and from the looks of it she knew exactly what was going on.

"Kate, Castle is in love with you." WHAT! She couldn't believe she was hearing this, her jaw-dropped at the sound of all of this. Why was everybody saying this! He obviously didn't love her if he just left.

"You can't be serious, Lanie, why would he leave if he was 'so' in love with me?"

"Oh I don't know girl, probably because you were with another guy and he was sick of watching you and Josh together? Or maybe he just couldn't be around you anymore knowing he could never have you? You really didn't see it?"

Wow, Lanie actually made a lot more sense than she thought she would. Was he really in love with her? She had Josh telling her this and now Lanie too? Maybe they were right, maybe Castle was in love with her but the real question was, was she in love with him too?

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure about anything in my life, he cares about you Kate, and it's obvious that you care about him too. Why can't you both just be happy together instead of miserable apart?"

"But I'm with Josh, What am I going to do now?"

"Oh girl please, Josh is barely ever there"

"Yes he is" Kate knew her defense against Josh wouldn't last long so she was prepared for an easy loss.

"Who is there for you when you need help?"

"Castle…"

"Who is there when you need comforting when something bad happens?"

"…Castle"

"Who is there when your mother's case had no new leads and saved your life a million times more than humanly possible?"

"Castle"

"And who would always be there for you know matter what happened?"

"…Castle"

"Did you hear Josh's name in any of those questions?"

"No… I guess I didn't…" She couldn't believe Lanie had tricked her so easily, but it made her realize how much Castle was truly there for her and not Josh. She knew what she needed to do, but she wasn't sure if she would make the safest choice.

"What if he rejects me, Lanie?" In all honesty this was her biggest fear, so much had happened the past few days and she didn't know how he felt about her anymore.

"Are you kidding, sweetie? He loves you, the only reason he said those things was to make him fall out of love with you and deep down you know it."

She didn't want to believe it, but she knew Lanie was right. Kate thought that ever since he went off with Gina he just never had any interest anymore. How could she have been so blind!

"I don't know what to tell him, Lanie. I don't want to get hurt again, it took so much of me to want to tell him I love him and then he left and walked out… with Gina! How am I ever supposed to be able to go through that again, who knows who will show up this time?" She was scared, she didn't want to get hurt again like she had, she knew that Rick loved her now, but she thought he loved her then too and he just left her there for a whole summer without even a phone call. "I'm scared…"

"I know, Kate," and she did. "You need to take a risk, put yourself out there this time, that is the only way you and Castle will be able to survive all of this. I know you love him, you need to let him love you back." How did she know? How did everyone know that she loved him? Was she that obvious?

"Ho…How do you know I love him?"

"Oh please girl, everybody knows… we see the way you two look at each other, you practically finish each other's sentences AND say things at the exact same time. You both care about each other enough to risk your lives for each other daily and he cares enough to stick around to break down those walls that only very few people get passed, but you let him." She was exactly right; ever since her mom died Kate had built up brick walls all around her. She was afraid to let anybody in because she didn't want to feel the pain that she felt when her mother was murdered.

"You're right, I do…but what am I supposed to do with Josh?"

"I think you know the answer to that." Lanie smirked at her friend and stood up and reached out a hand to pick her up off the floor. "Now I want you to leave her and go do whatever you need to do to make you feel better. I hope I helped clear things up a bit for you, but only you know what the right decision is and the heart wants what the heart wants."

Kate's face lit up as she spoke those last words and remembered when Castle had told her that on a case they were working.

Lanie gave her a questioning look.

"Castle said that once on a case we were working," she said as the smile grew on her face. That was the first time she had smiled in a very long time and she knew she could always count on her best friend to make her feel better.

"Hmm well if you don't go after that writer boy I guess I'll have to snatch him away," she joked.

"What about Esposito?" Lanie still thought that she was keeping a secret from everybody and looked shocked at the mention.

"Uh what? What are you talking about Kate?" she cleared her throat a little embarrassed as Kate gave her a knowing look.

"Alright whatever" Kate smiled. "I guess I have some talking to do, Thanks again Lanie, you don't know how much this has helped" Kate moved towards her giving her a big hug.

Lanie hugged back and said "Anytime girl, anytime."

Kate left to walk out; she pushed the door open, but popped her head back in, "Tell Esposito I said have a good night" and with a smile she walked out of the morgue knowing it might be the last smile she has tonight.

Kate heard Lanie calling from the morgue, "Girl, Imma smack you!"


	8. Chapter 8

She went to her car and sat there for a while not sure where to go first when her phone started ringing. It was Alexis; she wasn't expecting this so she stalled a few minutes deciding whether to pick up or not.

What if something was wrong? What if something happened to Castle? She hurried and pressed the talk button before she could tell herself no.

"Alexis?"

"What did you do to my dad?" She sounded angry, why was everyone so mad at her?

"Uh, I didn't do anything why, what happened?" she was trying not to sound too frantic, but it didn't seem to be working.

"Well we just got home and he locked himself in his office and before that he was sitting on the couch when we walked in and he was crying. I have never seen him cry before, what happened to him, Kate?" She sounded so worried; Kate didn't know what to tell her so she thought of the next best thing.

"I'll tell you what Alexis, how about I come over to talk to your dad and see what is going on, but don't tell him I'm coming, I'll be there as soon as I can and I will tap lightly on the door, okay? How does that sound?"

"It sounds perfect. Thank you, Kate!"

Kate hung up the phone and exhaled a big breath, not knowing that she had been holding it in. She drove to Castle's house as fast as she could, she was hoping to get some answers as well as give some too.

She ran past the doorman on the way to the elevator. The elevator ride up was taking forever and Kate began to get nervous with the anticipation of the conversation she was about to have. She didn't know where to start, what to say, or how to say them.

She got off the elevator and stood in front of his door taking a few deep breaths before lightly tapping on the door. She expected she would have to text Alexis because the tap would be too light, but after a few seconds the door burst open and she was embraced in a hug.

"I'm so glad you are okay, Kate!"

"Me too!"

"What the heck happened the last few days?"

"It's a long story, sweetie. Maybe your dad will tell you later after I'm done with him," she said half smiling. She wasn't so sure about this, but there was no turning back now. "Is your dad still in his office?"

"Yes…ever since we came home. He gave us big hugs and said he needed some space tonight to deal with something and he just went in there and hasn't been out since, I didn't know what happened. I am sorry I blamed you."

"Oh it's fine Lex, you had every right to question me. And I'll tell you a secret…" she wasn't sure she should be telling her this, but "I think I blame me too, let me go talk to him please."

"Okay, you know where his office is, go right ahead," Alexis gave her a questioning look at the secret she just told, but knew that they would figure this all out at some point.

Kate walked slowly up to Castle's office trying to plan out every possible reaction he would have at seeing her, she hoped he would just open the door and give her a giant hug, but she knew that was very unlikely.

She lightly knocked on the door, maybe making him think it was Alexis. He didn't answer, what was going on? She started to pound on the door louder and louder and then shouted.

"Castle open the damn door!" So much for making him think it wasn't her.

"Go away!" She could hear how upset he was, she thought he must still be crying.

"Castle open the door or I will knock it down!" He knew she wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon, so he slowly opened the door.

She slowly raised her face to look into his eyes, she saw the tears streaming down his face and she was raising her hand to wipe them away, when he grabbed her wrist and she jumped at his sudden reaction.

"Don't Kate"

"Can you please just talk to me Rick, please, I'm sick of begging for answers out of you." She was telling the complete truth now, she wasn't going to hold anything back.

He took a deep breath and said "Fine, come in." He waved his hand into his office and she followed his hand and took a seat on the couch. She patted her hand on the spot next to her and he looked at her nervously, but he walked over and sat down.

"So tell me... please"

"I just don't think you want to hear it, I mean you are with Jo-" Ugh, he was bring him up again, should she tell him that her and Josh weren't going to be together for very long anymore? Should she take that chance?

"No"

"What do you mean no?" he looked at her confused.

"I don't think things are going to work out" she cleared her throat as she continued. "With me and Josh I mean." He looked deep into her eyes trying to see if she was making this up, but she wasn't.

"Wait, what?" He couldn't stop staring at her, a shocked expression on his face, he had just seen him cuddling up to her today at the precinct and now they weren't going to work out?

"I have decided that I don't want to be with Josh anymore, he isn't there for me the way yo... the way he should be and I don't know if I want that anymore. I want someone to be there for me no matter what happens, someone that doesn't walk away when the going gets tough and they stick around long enough to find out every piece of me."

"Kate, I need to tell you something, but please don't run out of the room because you're scared, just stay put and listen to everything I have to say and after everything if you are still scared then you can run and I won't bother you anymore. I will leave you alone, I promise."

"Okay, but don't plan on me leaving now that I finally have you talking," she gave him one of those smiles that drove him crazy and she rubbed up and down his arm. "Just spit it out, Castle."

"Okay, well I just wanted to tell you that I think you are the most amazing person I have ever met. Everything about you drives me crazy, the way you twirl your hair around your finger when you get nervous. When you turn your head as you try to hide a smile, I love the sexy, mysterious side of you that never fails to surprise me with new things about you. I love the tough and edgy side of you that isn't afraid to put her life on the line for justice. Everything from your past makes you the wonderful woman you are today and I don't know that I could live without you."

Kate's eyes began to fill up with tears as he spoke, she never had anybody says anything like that to her. She didn't know he felt that strongly about her and she had to admit, she was a little scared, but she was determined not to run away, she couldn't do that to him. She listened to him as he continued.

"The reason I have been so mad at you is because, well, I am in love with you Kate, I have to admit that I didn't plan on that. At first it was just about the conquest, but as I spent more time with you and talked to you more the conquest didn't matter anymore. I wanted to know as much as I could about you. You are one of the most interesting people that I have ever met, everything about you drives me crazy! I didn't plan on falling in love, but I did and I'm not ashamed. I was mad because I wanted to be with you so bad, I wanted to know that I had you. I wanted to be with you, that's all I have ever wanted for a very long time now."

The tears started to pour down Kate's face as he spoke those words, she never took her eyes off of his and he spoke with a lot of confidence, but also with a hint of worry.

"I don't want you to run out the door, I won't lie to you Kate, I want you to give this a chance, give us a chance. But if you don't want to I will understand. If this does become something more I want you to know that I will be a perfect gentleman, I will go at your own pace and I promise not to push. I promise Kate, I will never hurt you."

"Rick…"

"Okay, now you can talk…" He looked so scared, she could tell that he thought she was going to get up and leave she kept telling herself to stay put not to move an inch.

"Rick, I need you to listen to me now and I need you to not speak until I am finished. Deal?"

"Deal."

"When you walked out today, I didn't know what to think. I cried, I cried for hours. I didn't know what I would do without you either. You make everything better, with you there it's not so serious all the time. I get to step back from all the pressure of solving a case and you make it more fun. Lanie asked me today who was the one person always there for me, the one person that did stuff for me and stood by me no matter what, the one person that stayed long enough to figure out everything about me. The answer is you, Rick. It's you. I was just too blind to realize it sometimes." The look on his face looked devilish like he was about to say something.

"Does this mean you are talking about me, Detective?" He said with a smile on his face, but he realized he broke the deal and said, "Sorry go on."

"I don't know if I could have ever asked for a better friend from you, you are definitely not the Rick Castle portrayed in the media and it took me a little while to realize it. The way you are with Alexis and Martha it is amazing, when I first met you I would never have thought you would be the amazing father you are today. Every time you do something I don't expect I want to be around you more and see what else you are hiding from me" She smiled at this, but continued. "I have to admit though, I am a little scared, I never really had a relationship like this before where I would do absolutely anything for you and I know you would do the same for me. I have never let anybody know half the stuff you know about me. I am always afraid to get to close because I'm afraid they will be taken away from me like my mother was and I don't know what I would do if I lose you"

Rick opened his mouth to talk, but she held up her hand because she wasn't done. "Lanie told me the exact same thing you told me one case, the heart wants what the heart wants," He looked into her eyes, the tears pouring down her face, he had never seen this side of her, he never seen her so vulnerable. He smiled at her and he finally had to speak for the silence was killing him.

"What does your heart want, Kate?" He was nervous for the answer, but he was more confident now that she had confessed what was on her mind.

"I want you, Rick, I want you. I am in love with you Richard Castle and I want this to work, I'm just scared that if it doesn't I will lose my best friend." He moved in closer to her on the couch and rested a hand on her cheek.

"Hey, hey, hey," he said. "I am never going to walk out, I am never going to leave you Kate. And if something bad happens between us," she looked down at her hands, but he brought her eyes back to his as he continued, "which it won't, I will still never leave."

Her heart warmed as he spoke and she wanted to believe him she really did, but she was still a little worried. "I need to tell you something," she confessed.

"What is it? You know you can tell me anything."

"I know, last summer when you left with Gina, I was going to tell you that I was in love with you and I wanted this to work out for us, but Gina came and so I just stopped talking and watched you walk out on me. I'm scared you might do it again." She looked down now and he didn't stop her as he lifted his hand from her face and put his head in his hands. How could he have been so stupid?


	9. Chapter 9

"You mean to tell me that I could have had you almost a year ago and I ruined it all?" He looked so hurt, but she had to tell him the truth.

"Yeah, I guess you did." He got up from the couch and let out a scream, furious at himself for being so stupid.

"I was so sick of seeing you with Demming that I just said what the hell to Gina, I am so sorry Kate, and if I had known I would have nev-"

"Rick… don't beat yourself up about it, we have both made mistakes, but at least we are together now, right?" She looked hopeful for his answer and he stared into her eyes and walked over to her and wrapped her in a huge hug, like they have been waiting there whole lives for this.

He put his head into her hair and held it there for a second. He lifted his head up and gently kissed the top of her forehead. "Yes, we are finally together," he said as tears of happiness came down their faces.

He gave Kate one of his big smiles and she couldn't help, but smile back.

"Rick… I want to take things slow though, I don't want to rush into things too much. Are you okay with that?" She wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but she wanted to ease into this relationship and take their time to fully absorb everything that was happening.

"Are you kidding? Of course it's okay! We can take things at your own pace, you lead the way. I can wait forever, if it means I get you." She smiled at him and stroked her hand along his cheek. She hadn't yet absorbed all she had said to Rick. She knew she was a little scared, but the urge to run was gone. She wasn't going anywhere.

"Thank you, Rick"

"No, Thank you, Kate." He smiled at her and bent down to kiss her cheek. She remembered the first time he had done that, when she 'thought' the first case was over. "So what shall we now?" He was so excited he couldn't control himself anymore. He wanted to scream from the rooftops. He finally got the girl, but he had a feeling this was going to be an interesting ride.

"Well first I think that we should get out of this office because Alexis and Martha are going crazy out there, and second I think I should leave" The look of disappointment washed over his face.

"You have to leave so soon?" He was trying to hide the sadness in his voice, but he didn't remember he was up against a detective.

"Well you want me to yourself don't you, silly?" She took his hand and pulled him out of the room as a smile washed across his face that wouldn't be able to be removed.

"Of course!"

Before she opened the door of the office, she turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck. They stared into each other's eyes for a couple seconds feeling the love and passion burning in their eyes, she pulled him into her as she gently touched his lips with hers. The kiss lasted only a couple seconds, as she pulled away and looked at him. His eyes were still shut and his mouth was open. "Hmm," she said. "I can get used to that." She turned around and opened the door as she walked out. She turned back to look at him realizing he still hadn't moved. "Are you coming or what?" she said to him, her usual words when he was staring at her as she walked away.

"Wha…What? Yeah… I'm coming." He still looked breathless as he ran to catch up with her, a small smirk crossed her face as she laughed at what simple thing had such a huge effect on him. She could definitely get used to this, she loved to tease him.

He grabbed her hand and she looked back at him and smiled as she squeezed his harder trying to assure him that she wouldn't be running away from him she wouldn't walk out on this. She needed him, and she knew he needed her too.

"Dad! You came out of your office!" She ran to her father, all the worry washed away as she was filled with excitement and joy.

"Yeah I came out. Pumpkin, I missed you too much," he said as he wrapped her in a hug lifting her slightly above the ground.

"Oh, Richard! You had us worried to death, what was going on with you?" Martha seemed a lot more worried than usual. Kate observed the whole thing in amusement. She loved seeing the family guy in Rick. It made her feel like she belonged here. She loved Martha and Alexis just as much as she loved Rick and she felt comfort around them all.

"Don't worry Martha, I got him all straightened out. He should be as good as new." Kate said as she glanced at Rick looking back at her and couldn't help, but blush.

Alexis ran up to her and almost knocked her over in a huge thankful hug. "Thank you Kate, I knew I did the right thing by calling you!" Kate rubbed back as they were still in the giant hug.

"Oh don't worry Lex, I was planning on coming over tonight anyway." She glanced up at Rick and she smiled as he came to join them in the hug. This felt like home and this is where she wanted to be. She didn't want to think about going to see Josh, she just wanted to stay with Rick as long as she liked.

"Oh, were you now?" Martha said as she look quizzically at Rick then to Kate. They both turned to each other and smiled. Martha knew to be quiet though until they were ready to tell her.

"I actually better get going, I have something I need to take care of." Kate said looking sad that she had to break up this hug fest.

"No Kate, please don't go!" Alexis shouted as she clutched to Kate harder.

"I'm sorry I have to! But I promise I will back."

"Tonight?" Alexis said with a hint of excitement in her tone.

"Hmm… maybe I will see how everything goes, but if I'm not back by tonight I may come by tomorrow! Does that sound good?" She didn't want to disappoint the girl, but she didn't know if she was ready to stay at Rick's just yet.

"I guess so."

"Alright, well I will probably see everybody tomorrow! Goodbye and thank you for calling me Alexis," she said as she gave her another hug.

"Goodbye Kate! I can't wait for tomorrow!" Alexis could hide her excitement just about as well as Rick, Kate thought.

"I'll walk you to the door," Rick said as he followed her out of the living room. When they reached the door, Kate stared turned around and put her hand on his chest as she looked up at him.

"How about you come over for breakfast tomorrow before work?" Rick asked her, she knew she might not get a lot of sleep tonight so she hesitantly had to decline his offer.

"I can't Rick, but if you are willing to offer me dinner, I might just say yes," she said as a smile crossed his face.

"Of Course!" He put his hand over hers and squeezed tightly. "Anything for you."

"Oh, you aren't going to get all cheesy on me are you?" she teased. She always knew there was something about him that couldn't stay away from those corny one-liners.

"Oh, you know it," he said with a smile. "I know this is going to be hard for you tonight, so if you need anything I want you to call me, okay? I don't care what time it is if you need anything I am here." His words somehow made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. She felt like she could count on him for anything and everything and never wanted that feeling to go away.

"I know, and I hope if anything goes wrong here or if you need anything you can always call me too right?" He smiled at this.

"Of course. Good luck tonight Kate." He had a sincere look on his face which let Kate know that he did care about how everything went with Josh and he would be there to comfort her.

"Thank you" She kissed him on the cheek and pulled away ready to leave, but he pulled her back into him and wrapped his arms around her and whispered in her ear.

"I love you Katherine Beckett."

She tilted her head and kissed the corner of his jaw before she whispered "I love you too Richard Alexander Rogers," and with that she left. The look on his face after she had just called her that name was unexplainable. That was the real him, before all the fame, before all the books and the money. That was him behind the scenes and he knew that Kate saw him for who he truly was.


End file.
